When you face Crucial Conversations, think about the problem more fully by bringing and into the equation. “What do I want for myself and the relationship?” Notice that they put you in a position to think about what you want for yourself and for others. The questions outlined above will help you find inclusive solutions. They present themselves with tougher questions that turn either-or thinking into a search for the all-important “and.” Those who are best at dialogue refuse the Fool’s Choice by setting up new choices. They’re all examples of the Fool’s Choice-the thinking that there’s one solution to a challenge. The problem is these tactics don’t preserve relationships or keep the peace, and they don’t generate the best results. So, we either fight for own viewpoint or interests, or we withdraw our voice and sacrifice our interests to “keep the peace.” We assume we can either be honest and offend our friend, or keep our mouths shut and preserve a relationship. We believe we can either seek our interests or theirs, but not both. When faced with Crucial Conversations, we tend to delve into either-or thinking. You’ll know your heart is beginning to change and that you can begin to dialogue when you seek an inclusive solution rather than exclusive one. “What I really want is to develop a great product and a great team.”įinally, ask yourself this: “What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?” See the next steps. Once you’re free of the short-term motive to win, be right, save face, punish others, build a reputation, or any of those other motives that can possess us in crucial moments, healthy answers will come to you. These questions help you focus on long-term, healthy outcomes, rather than short-term, self-serving outcomes. What do I really want for the relationship?.And you can do that by asking yourself “What do I really want?” Once you acknowledge the desires of your heart, you can begin to change them. Yep! I’ve gone from trying to launch this product to trying to win an argument.” Step away from the interaction and look at yourself as an observer would, then ask yourself “What does it look like I want?” Or “What am I acting like I want?”Īs you try to discover your motive, you might conclude: “Let’s see, I’m cutting people off, overstating my points, shaking my head at others’ comments. You can discern your motives from the outside in by asking yourself a few questions. It’s not easy to be self-aware in such moments. When a conversation turns crucial, our mind and emotions can often get hijacked and we resort to silence or verbal violence. The next step is to become aware of the motive that’s possessing you. So, step one is to recognize that you are the solution to any conversational challenge you face. As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape-with any degree of success-is the person in the mirror. This insight brings with it true personal power. They believe that the best way to work on “us” is to work on “me.” They realize not only that they are likely to benefit by improving their own approach, but also that the only one they can influence anyway is themselves. Those who are best at dialogue turn this logic around. It’s our dogmatic conviction that “if we could just fix those losers, all would go better” that keeps us from taking action that could lead to dialogue and progress. The first step is to stop believing that others are the source of all our problems. Thus, Start with Heart means to address your motives first, and then make sure they’re visible to others. Once you’ve established good intent it’s important to convey it. Or it may appear as though we wanted to punish our team rather than help them. For example, they may wonder whether we cared more about looking good than finding solutions. The other challenge is that others can often misinterpret our motives when stakes are high and opinions vary. To Start with Heart, you’ll want to do three things:Īs already mentioned, our motives deteriorate before our behavior does, and in crucial moments we often don’t notice this. Get your motives right, better dialogue will follow. In other words, motives influence behavior. Eventually, what we are thinking, feeling, and wanting will impact the conversation. We can quickly go from wanting to learn and understand to wanting to win, be right, and defend ourselves-and usually we don’t even notice it. The first thing that degrades in a Crucial Conversation isn’t our behavior but our motives. To hold a successful Crucial Conversation, we need to Start with Heart. The outcomes of your Crucial Conversations are largely determined by what you do before you even open your mouth.
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